My voice would reach out to the deafest ears,
my tears would melt the hardest rocks
Yet the silence previals with pain,
until u strike these chords…
The fire in your eyes had frozen me
When I fumbled for words before you
When my mind stopped still…
And lips froze like in winter eve
Oh the warmth in ur eyes had burnt me
From inside, leaving me empty
Like a cocoon. Not knowing if I should
Mourn my solitude or celebrate
The life that just flooded out of me!
An attempt at a short story…!!!
Is it easy she asked…throwing it all away? Her gaze fixed on his face. What do u mean? I’m just moving on – was his reply. She skirted the issue within her mind. Was it that easy to buy, use and sell things sans any emotions attached? The memories of the trips together and the days he mustve spent wandering in that car! Those rooms and that space..Their time together…will it be the same anymore?
Was it as easy as a fairy tale to tell and vanish? He dint want to “TALK” about it..waste time on trivia like these. She would do all the emotional war she could for anything and everything and he dint have time for that! He tilted his head ever so slightly to see if the girl opposite to his flat came to her mirror placed so conveniently near the window. She usually did around this time. OHH shit it’s time for those documentation work, that deal is to be sealed today, he had a thousand ‘to-be done’ things and rushed on his way..while she couldn’t get over the shock of how inanimate things remain..inanimate to guys….
Four years…had passed since they said goodbye to each other. She had moved on..She looked pretty with the her sleekness attempting a curve on being a new mom. A miniature form of herself her daughter was!…he thought. Was it easy? Moving on? He wanted to ask. But he knew it would but be taken as nothing but words with a sting as she always termed it. He wished he could teach her….guys probably threw “inanimate” stuffs when statistically it’s been proven that girls have thrown away much more “animated” men in their lives….
He smiled at her happiness the warmth with which she held her girl and the coziness with which she leaned on her husband’s shoulder. Suddenly he wasn’t in a hurry to make those papers and close those deals!
The evening sun..caught my smile
A slow walk and a dreamy gaze
Accepting reality, limitations and flaws
Humbled, I take a momentary pause
Between the smiles, laughter and chaos
The sojourn..somehow always reminds me…
Painful memories of moments of glee
I work for an SAP related company. you know..we replace “legacy systems” with up-to-date SAP products to give you a “real-time” insight of the “pulse” of the market?
That pretty much sums up the world here. I seem to have been in a well elsewhere. When people here think the same of themselves. I differ. They have taught me a lot in this one year. What probably Infosys and IBM and the lovely creative agency in Mumbai dint. To each his own..probably each bit of our lifetime provides us invaluable lessons. A pinch of salt to the elixir of life…each one of them would have added.
Why do I then take this above all? I dont know! But I did learn quite a lot…in too brief a timespan. I was shaken from my wonderworld of words and wordsworth. It seemed like a clearing in the forest that I would have never noticed if I wasnt in this company…in “their company”.
Work had just been a pay cheque to meet some loans. To exist, to eat and then exercise to digest what I overate! Life was just smiling and breathing and probably crying for endless emotions. But then I was questioned ironically by the most gentle human beings you could ever imagine – on what good things awaited me. Before I could crib or cry that nothing did..before I could point fingers at anyone around me – I was pointed out quite harshly..again ironically by the most gentle souls on earth – that if i fell short..the fault was none but mine. If I woke up in the morning to train my brain for a train of thoughts that had nothing but bread, butter and bucks to pay off bills in it – All I could wait for is nothing but – the same train.
I was pointed out that in the scheme of bigger things…I was to tie myself to bigger responsibilities – If i were to dream not just to breathe but to live life large, I ought to chart my plans and build the route – not just hop on to a wagon that came whistling my way.
That I was to believe and work to bring the belief to life. Here’s a toast to all those who feel they are in that wagon of mine. Where its wonderful to dream and have coffee and wish things would work out like how it did for Alice or Cindrella. “A kiss of reality is not as beautiful as you would have imagined – the passion might bruise you…but the sweetness would linger..only if you loved back”.
“Serendipity” – had always loved the word before I knew its meaning….But i never knew my “good luck” that Id discover you in one of the lowest moments of my life.
Pain has unlimited powers. Yes indeed it is a construct of the mind. But the mind constructs it to an extent of sharpness – that it can either slit your throat or hone you to perfection. Well that craft lies entirely in your hands…I observed.
If you can sit back without self pity and just look at it – you can see the knife pointed towards you. If its the veil of self pity you chose to wear, Im sorry to say this – but it will definitely hurt you, ..unfortunate thing is – you may get killed.
If you can look at it – parting your own image – The pain as such…as the weapon…trust me…your tears can water the sapling of your choice. It’s a different debate altogether – of what you nurture and what it will grow up to be. But that the same tears that can exhaust your very being of all energy – can actually give all the energy for a new life to grow…is a fact!
Those tears of yours has infinite powers. Let no one or nothing fool you with the triviality of the tears – They aint my friend!
I resume my position a little far from them and smile at them- those drops of power. They have purged me, taught me and still stay there for me to pick them up and hone myself! I am reminded of some bird in some old folklore – but neyy am not wallowing in sorrow…
Yea the pain – is there – definitely there! and ohh THE pain it is!!!!
Why is it that some ideas or behaviors or products start epidemics and others don’t? And what can we do to deliberately start and control positive epidemics of our own? – Malcom Gladwell.
I’m just confused. I have no idea, no sense and probably no maturity to understand what is happening. I just read and hear and see people packing from my place…leaving behind their jobs, probably with kids like mine..probably to what they call home..probably to poverty or joblessness. There may be macro views about it that I cannot comprehend or have the maturity to fathom! Pardon my ignorance, I am but just another wife…happy that my husband is working to support me and I am but just another Mom toggling between my job and home looking forward to “settle” in this place!!!
So – somewhere someone did something and my fellow folks are “threatened” to leave this place where probably they too were busy as much as me trying to “settle down”. I’m appalled at the ability of people to come together and fiercely fight “AGAINST” ANYTHING. Theres immense power – there’s this impossible “possibility” of ‘destroying’ just about anything, any system. Who would ever believe that one fine morning you can pack away an entire crowd like that? Phew! that was easy! So were there many easier things ‘achieved’ (ironically termed so) in the past!
What beats me hollow is the ‘cosmic truth’ that the frenzy and fervor is seen – if you observe- so easily and readily-ONLY for destroying a system, disrupting harmony or killing people. Such fire never was there for an uprise..for helping the needy – if it was there – it either died too soon or it never got the needed attention to spread through.
I know..my friends who read this are as equally helpless or clueless as to what to do. But where we fail is in our being the medium for the negativity than positive strength. A north east friend of mine was called by his HR to “HELP” him..by “ADVISING” him to pack his bags and be ready incase of an exigency.
What religion or what spirit or what loyalty is leading to the chaos I dont understand – when each religious book..each one of them is a literary gem of how humanity can “COEXIST” .
Probably I dont understand things going on – coz I dont have a MACRO view. But for those who do not give the strength and support to my fellow folks…Those who do not spare a minute to wonder of the trouble and trauma they are going through for some fad or fanatism..the education of many..the jobs, the financial security, the fear, the death – I wonder IF they could picture themselves in these peoples shoes..somewhere down the lane of life..wouldnt that be considered the lack of having the “MACRO” view as well?
It is NOT us – educated, people who are doing all this. But it lies in us – educated people to educate, create and control a POSITIVE EPIDEMIC. Today if we let this..Tomorrow is not far…and today if we cant control law being taken into the hands of whomever – however true they are to their cause..we are just paving way to a fearful tomorrow for ourselves and our kids.
I have been blessed with creative people all around…Eby being a sound engineer with a filmi back ground – the “jazz” is always there…theres our friend whos a music director, friends who are exceptional singers, friends who work for resul pookutti and what not!!!
But theres this small window in my room..often neglected..as you tend to – often in apartments like mine. Close knit..walls around, windows opening to another’s privacy.. So it’s always closed – that window of mine! Except for the sunday dusting routines maybe. One such dusting day, probably I left it open…and what drifted in the next morning was least expected…
There was this ‘someone’ practicing guitar next to ma wee lill window and the music was agile enuf to seep through and bless my ears. When life is all cramped up and you unexpectedly wake up to this kinda ‘surprise, home made, music’ with a cuppa – its a bliss unexplainable…
I wouldnt have switched on my laptop and listened to any of the new albums instead – those naive, not so perfect melodies were the ones i needed – to comfort myself that it is still beautiful and soothing for someone else – ‘your imperfection’
No – im not turning to keats and going on to tell you that theres some hot hunk in there making me smile to such tunes! Dont get me wrong I swear I dint go in search for the person who produces the music – Guess the fun ends there! Coz now its not the musician but the music that’s doing the talking. We both are imperfect and incomplete in our own terms, we both have got an opening – a totally “unexpected” acquaintance.
I dont think or let me conveniently imagine that theres no one else but me who would care in this fast world, to stop with a cuppa to the first tunes of a guitar, get lost in dreams and draw smiles for those probably 5-10 minutes…Great music-thousand admirers -admitted, but lemme assume for these single stroke sounds…am the only one around. Likewise my nextdoor music there isnt any that I’ve got who would so smugly fit in those 10 minutes of my dawn to greet me with nothing but pleasantries. The rest of the day..Ive got a kiddo to cry for cars, hubby to crib for the cry, boss to bother about work and friends to blabber about the boss! But you’re the only one in this ‘fast life’ of mine whom i can completely call “music to my ears”
The minute my cup is empty I gotto rush for the days rigamarole, but those few minutes…I get with thee – my wee lill window music – is appreciated and treasured
Dont ask me the connection – btwn the title and the blog! I see none worth mentioning. Let me know if you did though! Noor was in town and we were all over the city and we were in a delirious state!!!!! Little would I have thought back then, when were in college - that i would be taking her around Bangalore in my Dio!!!.
10 years. 10 years had lapsed since we could hang out like this. Its not that we haven’t met in these 10 years, but then-priorities were different, situations were different. After college, we probably met, first with our husbands, then with our kids – dnt worry im not taking it to the next level of grandchildren yet. SO this was just OUR day. Noor, me,my DIO and 30-40 odd kms! Bengaluru just rocked. We had our old ambiance in place. The books, the subjects, the discussions, the professors and just the two of us zooming back to college days. Just that the drooling changed to memories of drooling – The discussion with professors became more objective/result oriented, the coffee had a brand attached – but our hands clasped on to each other the same way it did some 10 years back.
Ohh I should mention the sumptuous meal we had at Udupi Krishna hotel Banaswadi – They started with a saada vada, then dahi vada, then came mago ras, puran poli, ven pongal, poori, kheer, sambar rice, curd rice and rasam rice (which we had to opt out due to lack of space) and banana and paan!!! More than me – guess for Noor who wasnt used to the karnataka style – this was a indeed a surprise menu – for a normal meal! My monthly quota of coffee shop visits were exhausted in a single day – coz that i believe is one good blessing of Bengaluru coz you had atleast one around every corner with plush seating and cool ambiance to spend your aftrnoons/evenings whatever.
I wasnt yet over with my Mumbai nostalgia. Its been years now and I probably am settling down in this city. Not that the roads especially in my area helped me in any which ways come over the feeling of repulsion either. But with her “awe”ing and “wow”ing at almost anything around the city, guess I have to come to accept that it is indeed a good place. Seeing the city through her eyes somehow lent beauty to the view.
Years, life and family – probably would take its toll on any friendship. The reason I covet this one bond is that – these factors somehow dint seem to factor in here. We for years have passed by without getting the time for a single call, and for days have ended up talking for hours every single day. I know and Im not shy to let her know that Im here no matter what and she knows and shes not hesitant to let me know the same. I believe there is no one else who could be confident to tell me – “you should make your own life and your immediate surroundings the first priority and not me”.